Wanda's Wings

In Loving Memory

2012-01-28T08:32:00.000-08:00

Today has been two years since I lost my beloved son. I wanted to honor him today by sharing how special he was. As a young boy he was full of mischief. He loved to clown around and make people smile. He always had a beautiful smile that would light up the room. His big brown eyes sparkled with mischief. He loved baseball and Nolan Ryan was his hero. As he grew older he loved Karate. He was excelled and achieved many trophies. As he continued to grow his love for computers became his life. He build computers, tested soft ware for a major company, and was an enthusiastic gamer. He was not only my son, but he was my friend. I miss him so. I believe he is in heaven now and some how I think he is still working with computers even today. He is now my guardian angle.

Got Out Of Bed

2012-01-26T18:28:00.000-08:00

I was finally able to get out of bed, if only for a short period of time. Depression can be so debilitating.I worked on my taxes today and it took all I had in me to concentrate enough to do them. At least it was a step forward from where I have been.

My therapist wanted me to google the word hope. I did this and realized how much I need some hope in my life. When you are depressed you can not see or hope for a better tomorrow. I am really trying, but I think some of this is biochemical. At least I made a small step in the right direction today. One step at a time is all I can ask.

Which Is Worse?

2012-01-21T13:00:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I don't know which is worse. Manic or depressed? Since I am so incredibly depressed right now I wish I could have just a touch of mania. Getting out of bed is difficult. I am seeing my psychiatrist weekly right now and he is trying to adjust my medication. This is a very short post,just to let everyone know I am still OK.

Four Letter Word

2012-01-14T12:45:00.000-08:00

Diet is a four letter word. It seem no mater what you call it, you are still hungry. I guess meal plan is the latest term, or change of life style. It is still hard.

It's warm again today and I am not sorry that it is no longer below freezing. I need my weather to be mild all year long. I guess I'm living in the wrong place.lol

I'm struggling right now. It is hard to keep up with anything. I really hate depression. It should be a four letter word, because it is the pits! I want to thank all the loving support I get. I really means a lot to me. There is always something to be thankful for. Have a great weekend.

Officially Here!

2012-01-12T11:12:00.000-08:00

I guess winter is officially here. Last night we had our first snow. Less than an inch, but the wind chills are in the teens. The funny thing is that by the weekend it going to be in the fifties to sixties again!

I had to go to the doctor today and of all things I've got an ear infection. I got an antibiotic shot and steroid shot. She said I should feel better in a couple of days.

Why are New Year resolutions so hard to keep? I guess it just one of those things. Oh well, just one day at a time is what we have to do.

Insurance

2012-01-06T09:25:00.000-08:00

Why do you always have to fight insurance to get needed medical care?????

What A Six Days

2012-01-03T10:16:00.000-08:00

I have been so sick the last six days, but it has finally pasted.Finally I can eat something besides chicken noodle soup and jello.Again I am thankful for all the people that brought 7up & chicken noodle soup!

The sun is shining and it a bright sun shinny day.. A little nippy but very mild for January! Alice is also starting to get around a little better on her leg. All in all I can not complain. I will try and make my rounds to the blogs later today.

Out With The Old And In With The New

2011-12-31T10:10:00.000-08:00

I can't say I am sorry to see 2011 leave. It has been a rough year for me. Three hospitalizations, financial woes, and a number of other problems. I can not however forget how wonderful people have been this year to me and been so kind.
The year 2012 brings hope of a better tomorrow My daughter is now here with me.. I am surrounded by friends, both cyber and real life and I have a glimmer of hope in my eyes.

Happy New Years

People's Kindness

2011-12-15T10:53:00.000-08:00

With all the hectic things that go on this time of the year it is easy to forget the kindness of others. I am so thankful for all the kindness from people in my life. People have really stepped up to show their kindness. The other night a dear friend brought chilli for dinner for Alice and I because they knew we were both down and under. I just have to be thankful for all those in my life that accept me spite of all my faults and mental illness.

Oh My Gosh

2011-12-14T09:24:00.000-08:00

Oh my gosh! It's December 14 and only 11 days to Christmas. I am so not ready! I am never this far behind!
Today is going to be a busy day. I must Christmas shop, mail my Christmas cards, and pay bills. This post is going to be very short and sweet. I am wishing everyone is more organized than I have been.

Recovering

2011-12-12T09:48:00.000-08:00

I just spent 10 days in the hospital getting my medication adjusted. I see my doctor tomorrow. I think I am way too sedated. I am exhausted and am trying to help my daughter post op from her knee surgery. She want me to let everyone know where her new blog is. It's www.alicep.com. She would love to have some visitors to her blog. I will slowly try to get around to everyone blog to catch up when I can keep my eyes open. lol

Did Anyone Black Friday Shop?

2011-11-26T09:35:00.000-08:00

Well did anyone do the black Friday shopping thing? If so did you get any of the wonderful deals? In days gone by I have done the madness, but not this year. I guess I just to old for that kind of thing! My idea of black Friday is rest and clean up from the day before. Boring.I know. LOL I guess that is what I have become in my mature years.

Keeping It Together

2011-11-23T07:14:00.000-08:00

I am trying to keep it together for everybody else on this Thanksgiving holiday. I'm cooking, having guests, and everything else that you are suppose to do. But my heart is deeply sadden without Chris here to enjoy the season. Thanksgiving was one of his favorite times. He loved the turkey and green bean casserole. He always wanted a turkey leg. This year I don't think anyone else will. I miss my baby so badly, but don't want to spoil the day for everyone else. Why is my heart breaking so? Memories are still so painful. He had such a beautiful smile it just would light up the room. I'm really hurting on the inside.

What Is Everybody Cooking?

2011-11-18T12:10:00.000-08:00

I'm planning Thanksgiving dinner for my daughter and two guests. I was just checking with everybody else to see what on their Thanksgiving menu. Here is what I'm planning

Turkey
Stuffing
Candie yams
Fruit salade
Green bean casarole
Punkin pie
Ice cream

Finally Slept

2011-11-17T11:45:00.000-08:00

I finally slept some last night and feel a tiny bit better. I need sleep so desperately. I need to get some rest so I can attack what life is throwing at me. I feel like I'm in a fog. Sleep deprivation is a real pain in the behind.

On brighter news I had lunch with a couple of friends from church. We went to Ihop and had the senior special omelet. It sure was yummy. It sure is nice to have friends to share with.

Sleep Refuses To Come

2011-11-15T16:23:00.000-08:00

Heaviness weighs on and sleep refuses to come

Loneliness hovers like a invited friend

Problems fill the mind with a painful dread

The day's busy thoughts fight to control my head

Darkness fills the room and confusion rushes in

Time appears to come to a halt in the dead of the night

But the clocks ticking resounds filling my head

Tossing and turning, but no comfort is found

Praying for morning and dawns welcome light

Blogger's Block

2011-11-13T17:43:00.000-08:00

I think I have blogger's block. I'm not sure if it's because I am depressed and just hate to let out those emotions or what. I don't want to stop blogging and just disappear like so many blogs do, but I am really struggling to know if there is anything else left to say or if this is going to pass in time. Blogging has always helped me express my feeling in a safe environment. I enjoy reading what others are thinking and feeling. Right now I feel sad and alone. I have always wanted my blog to be a place to share, encourage others, and a place of healing. I want my blog to be a hopeful place. I just so tired right now mentally and physically. I just can't give up. I will continue to write and share no matter how difficult it is.

Remembering Those That Have Given So Much

2011-11-11T03:04:00.000-08:00

Happy Veterans Day

I just want to say I am so thankful for all that have given so much .
Today we enjoy freedom to live in the worlds greatest country. We have so much to be thankful for. To all that have served and the families that have given so much. Thank you!

Missing Love One Over The Holidays

2011-11-10T09:34:00.000-08:00

I'm going to a support group tonight for parents that have lost a child. I've been struggling and hope to get a boast of strength from the meeting. I want to make this a good Holiday season for Alice. We are planing on having one guest for Thanksgiving. I want to make it special for Alice. She is so excited. We always had a big dinner on Thanksgiving and put up a Christmas tree that night. Last year Alice was across the country and I spent the day at a friends house so I would not be alone. Things just aren't the same with Chris gone. I miss him so much. It's like it was yesterday on some days.

Oklahoma Earthquack

2011-11-06T16:40:00.000-08:00

Oklahoma had it biggest earthquake ever. A 5.6. I know that might not sound like much but for Oklahoma it was a "big one". Our mobile home really shook and the sound was like a big truck or train was right on top of us. We didn't know what it was and all my area got was the after shock. There was some damage to some homes and roads. It is just so rare here. We didn't have any damage, but my friend in Oklahoma City had some minor damage.

Therapist Wanted To Admit Me

2011-11-04T11:27:00.000-07:00

I'm not sleeping again and my thoughts are running to the dark side again. My therapist thought I might need to be in the hospital again for a short term stabilization.She had me leave word with my doctor although I see him Monday. Being manic with the mixture of depressive thoughts racing in my mind is very uncomfortable. I try to be positive and fill my head with positive thoughts, but it hard when you are dealing with a chemical imbalance. I'm holding on to my friends with all my might.

Fell

2011-11-01T19:50:00.000-07:00

I don't know what up (or down) with me lately. :) I fell again last night. At least I didn't break anything! I'm just very sore all over and have a few bruises. Blue is suppose to be my color. LOL. I have had two bad falls this year. The first one I broke my foot. I just don't know why this is happening. Maybe I just try to move too fast or something. Enough about my gracefulness.

Seems that there are a lot less trick or treat children out each year. I think this is sad because it used to be such a fun time for kids. We did have a cute little monkey carried by his daddy that came last night. Now the question is what to do with all the left over candy?

Happy Halloween

2011-10-31T15:06:00.000-07:00

Healing

2011-10-28T09:58:00.000-07:00

Healing takes time, patience, work, therapy, and God. I believe the broken can be restored and healed. I believe I am a work in progress. I'm taking steps to be whole and as I grow possibly inspire others along the way.

Tears can be healing. I cried a lot in my therapy session today. I feel we pulled out some of the pain and filled it with positive affirmations. I am a good person. I can be a positive influence on others. I am OK! I still believe if I can help anyone in there journey then this blog is not a waste of time.

New Tapes

2011-10-26T07:17:00.000-07:00

I am me.
I am able to do things.
I survived a lot of shit: I am strong!
I am God's child and deserve to be loved.

This was suggested by a friend and I love it!

Old Tapes

2011-10-24T10:46:00.000-07:00

I find writing or blogging an excellent way to cope with stress. Sometime when things are really bad I have a hard time doing anything. Currently I am really trying to change the old tapes in my head. That can be so hard.
My old tapes say:

I'm stupid
I'm fat
Nobody could love you
You deserve every bad thing that happens
You deserve to be hurt or abused

Over time these tapes have played in my head since I was a child. It hard for me to think that even God could love me. How am I working on changing these tapes?

Therapy
Bible study
Working on my eating plan
Being around positive people
Blogging about my feeling
Encouraging others

If I can help one other person realize that they are special then I have been a success. I am determined to be more than my past abuse. I will overcome. I will love and be loved.

I'm A Little Lost Right Now

2011-10-22T15:30:00.000-07:00

I really don't know what going on with me, but I feel a bit lost right now. I am really having trouble focusing on doing anything. Has any one else just felt like they are going through the motions of day to day life without really knowing what they are doing? That is what I'm feeling. I guess I need to talk to my therapist about it. I am very calm right now. I am concerned because I am normally so driven to do something. I say I'm calm, but my body is shaking as I set here and type. I just feel strange! Just want to let everyone know I'm still around.

Took A Break

2011-10-18T16:57:00.000-07:00

I took a short break from blogging because I have just been struggling. I'm doing a little better since I finally got some sleep. Yeah!. Took a short road trip with a friend and that was nice. We didn't do a lot, but it was a small break from the day to day struggle. I am so thankful to all of my blogging friends that support me. It really means a lot. I know I am going to make it and that is what is important.

Too Much

2011-10-07T06:20:00.000-07:00

Seems I have had just too much going on recently. I am stressed to the max, but am trying to take it one day at a time. I have to go to a funeral service today and am hoping I can hold it together. I will share more later, because I am having such a hard time organizing my thoughts. I just want to let people know I need their support and prayers right now

Remembering

2011-10-01T19:10:00.000-07:00

Chris used to laugh and sing this song all the time. I heard it the other day and it made me think of Chris and smile. It was good to remember something happy about Chris.

Medication Adjustment

2011-09-28T19:27:00.000-07:00

My psychiatrist is adjusting my mood stabilizer because he thinks I am in a "mixed episode." He feels that is why I am not sleeping, I know this is not my typical manic episode, because I am not having fun. I am adjusting the medicine for two days and if still not sleeping again on the third day. I have to see him again in one week. I am just hoping I will start sleeping again, This is really getting old.

Sunday Sketches

2011-09-24T16:39:00.000-07:00

Christmas Puppy
Pastels
Is it ever to early to think of Christmas?

Why Are Some People So Mean?

2011-09-23T15:51:00.000-07:00

Why are some people so mean? My daughter recently stopped blogging and close her face book account because of mean hateful statements. I was shocked at some of the statements. Here are some of them.

Why don't you f*** off and die
You are a waste of space
You are not even a girl you are an "it"

How can some people be so mean and hateful? Alice did not ask to be born with both sex organs. It just is a fact of her life. I asked her if she wanted me to remove her story from my blog and she said no. She is not ashamed of who she is. I am so hurt that people can be so mean. I hate the pain she endures because she was born different. Hate is such an ugly thing and it cause so much pain, Again my question is why?

Sleep My Long Lost Friend

2011-09-22T16:22:00.000-07:00

Oh how much I need a good night sleep. I just don't sleep.My psychiatric is worried that I do not sleep and wanted me to do a sleep study. I took the test and after 2 sleeping pills still only slept for 1.5 hours. The sleep specialist wants to repeat the study and really knock me out with anxiety medicine and sleeping pills so they can get a better idea of what is going on. I have to have some one drive me to and from the test because of the amount of medicine I will be taking, Maybe they will come up with some answer and I can finally sleep. Yeah! Everyone needs sleep.

Life Can Be Hard

2011-09-19T15:27:00.000-07:00

If there is one thing I am sure of it is life can be hard. There are things that happen to each of us that are hurtful, unfair, and even criminal. I wonder who I would be if I had not faced so much adversity. I consider myself a kind and loving person. I admit that I can be guarded and not the most trusting individual.

Child abuse is one of the most horrific things that can happen to a child. The person is forever changed. How damaged am I? I don't know that words can express the damage that has been done. I have seen and read others stories and they seem to have totally healed. I have read others who are more deeply effected than myself. Yet I know that it effects my entire being and myself worth almost daily. Yes I have healed some. I want to reach out to those that wounds are still raw and opened.

What keeps me going? A hope for a better tomorrow. My faith in God that total healing and restoration will one day be mine. Not only for myself but for all that have suffered at the hands of an abuser. Some day we will see things clearly without the tint of this earthly pain. I am convinced that this story is not over yet and I will help other through tremendous losses.

I chose life and hope.

Sunday Sketches

2011-09-17T23:00:00.000-07:00

This little fellow makes me think of Fall my favorite season.
Done in Pastels

Maple Tree
Pastels

I Love Fall

2011-09-14T09:50:00.000-07:00

I love fall. I love to feel the cool breezes blowing, I love the trees as they change to yellow, orange and brown. I love the sound of the leaves crackling under my feet.

I love the look of big orange pumpkins.

I love watching small animals gather food for the up coming winter.

Been A Long Month

2011-09-13T06:49:00.000-07:00

It's been a long month (5 weeks since payday). I hate trying to make the money last the extra week. It is hard. I had to cancel my therapy appointment because I didn't have enough money to go. I get paid tomorrow and boy will I ever be glad. The old kitchen cabinets are getting bear. LOL

Our church has started "life groups" and I joined a group on Sunday. I think it is going to be a good experience. There are about 12 people in the group. We eat together and have a short Bible study and pray for each other. I am kind of shy so I didn't say to much in the group, but I think it is going to be good for me to make more friends.

I am going to try and go to Compassionate Friends group Thursday night. It is a group for those that have lost a child. I haven't been in several months,but am feeling the need to go.

Let Us Remember 9/11

2011-09-11T06:31:00.000-07:00

Lets us all remember those who's life were forever changed by 9/11.

Let us continue to pray for this great country.

Trying To Stay Upbeat

2011-09-10T07:52:00.000-07:00

I'm really trying to stay upbeat right now. Life is not very good right now and I am fighting depression big time. I keep looking at my "grateful journal" and realize that I do have things to be thankful for. Depression clouds what one sees and I know that it is a uphill battle. I still believe it is worth fighting. Depression would like to destroy and kill me, but I can NOT let that happen. I hate the suicidal voice that is in my head. I battle him frequently. Today is national suicide prevent day and I will not become a "sad" number on some chart. I can win by doing life one minute at a time.

Hope

2011-09-09T09:33:00.000-07:00

When things look bad, hope is what keeps me going. Struggling with depression can leave one hopeless. The thing to remember is what a difference a small amount of time can make. Looking hard sometimes to find what we are thankful for. Do we have a roof over our head? Do we have something to eat? Are there those that care for us? Many times life can look so bad and things seem to be at the bottom. Hope keeps us going, Hold on to that thread no matter how small it may seem. I fight suicidal thoughts frequently. I know the despair of thinking things can not be worst. Keep safe, what ever it takes because there is a tomorrow and that might be the day when things change. I write this for all that suffer from depression, because depression make things feel hopeless. As we help one another the world is a better place. Hope keeps us alive!

Suicide Prevention Day

September 10, 2011

We All Need Somebody To Lean On

2011-09-07T07:09:00.000-07:00

I just love this song. It is so true and I am so thankful for all those people that have been there for me.

Cool Breezes

2011-09-04T09:25:00.000-07:00

Woke up this morning to a cool breezes and made me think of fall. What is more fall than a big orange pumpkin? It just put me in a calm peaceful mood. I feel so alive today. This simple sketch just reelects my mood. Have a great weekend and enjoy life today.

Community

2011-09-02T14:17:00.000-07:00

The best part of my life has been the last few years. I have found a community of people that truly care through my church. We all need someone from time to time to lean on. With a history of abuse it is so hard to let your defenses down and let someone in your life. It sometimes seems safer not to let anyone close to you. That is such a lonely way to live. We were not meant to live life isolated. I'm grateful that I am finally comfortable enough with myself to let some other people get close to me. Blogging is also a great way to meet people and open up your heart for friendship. I have met so many people through blogging that I truly care about. It is a wonderful way to meet and care for others.

Manic Again

2011-09-01T13:28:00.000-07:00

This song keeps going through my head because it has been a Manic Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. My daughter and I did a 6 hour road trip at 3 AM today and I still haven't been to sleep. I been getting less that 2 hours sleep for the last several days. I not really tired, but know what is to come later. Oh well this too shall pass. It just part of being me!

Another Sleepless Night

2011-08-30T06:31:00.000-07:00

Oh boy, I did it again. Another night awake til 6AM before I dozed off for an hour. My energy level seems OK so I am just going to make the best of the day. Sleep is over rated anyway.

I'm not really sure what I want to accomplish today yet. I though I would check on my blogging friends first and go from there.

What Is Wrong With Me?

2011-08-29T17:16:00.000-07:00

I have so many people being kind to me right now. I just don't get why I am so sad all the time. It's all I can do to keep from crying. My psychiatrist thinks it's because I'm not sleeping. I'm seeing a sleep specialist next week and will most likely have a sleep study later on in the month. I am tired all the time and am so weak. I was thinking my doctor might need to check my lupus panel. I just know I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Therapy is going okay. It has been intense at times, but I don't think that is the problem. She is wanting me to use my art to try and express some of the pain of my childhood. I have done a little work in this area, but not with this therapist. I really like her and thinks she is truly concerned about me.

I am not getting to work out as often as I would like to. I did work out Sunday and I am hoping to go work out tomorrow, but we only have one car that is running right now and Alice has an appointment. We will just have to see what plays out tomorrow. I haven't been able to afford the right kind of food. I am so frustrated with the whole eating thing I am about ready to give up. I know that will never happen because I am so obsessed with food. I think if I was eating better my mood might be better/

Ahh Monday

2011-08-29T07:26:00.000-07:00

How do I get out of this mess?

18 Months Ago

2011-08-27T06:45:00.000-07:00

I woke up today crying and missing Chris. I realized it has been 18 months ago to this day that I lost Chris,

I picture him today in heaven as he was before he had agoraphobia. Happy and working on God's computer system. I know I might think differently than a lot of people, but I think Heaven will be like the happiest time of your life. Maybe I am crazy, but it is how I feel, Chris with a laptop having a blast.

Today my job is to experience life and enjoy Alice. Someday we will all be together again. I just know this i my heart.

Just for Fun

2011-08-25T13:31:00.000-07:00

Fish Anyone?

Only a Mama

I'm Out Of Here!

Blogging

2011-08-23T12:15:00.000-07:00

I have been having a hard time blogging recently. I don't really know why. It seems like my brain has gone into a sleep mode. I know I have been fighting depression, but this is just crazy . I have been spending some time drawing recently.

My nerves have been shot since someone tried to break in our back door. We are having to replace the door. I am hoping these two nice men form the church will be able to install the door. The replacement door was expensive enough!

Life Is Forever Changing

2011-08-21T14:55:00.000-07:00

Life is forever changing

Moods, feelings, and surroundings change with the dawn of each day

Still some things remain the same and unchanged

Sunshine comes with the morning to take the darkness away

While cool breezes and rain are the making of another day

The smell of flowers fill the air in Spring time

But they sleep as the cold winter air blankets the ground

Bird sing songs that are soon memories of the warm days gone by

Life as the season always changing for a new day

Each day offers new beginnings, A day for new hope or despair

Yesterdays pain are still lingering, but help make us stronger

No magic wand can change the past or remove the hurts

Only the strong resolve offers hope for us and others

Our lives are a story written to help and care for others

We choose to make others stronger by our endurance

By sharing and loving each other, new hope come with the dawn of day
Today is all that is promised and all we can change is this very day

Working Out

2011-08-18T10:01:00.000-07:00

Working out always make me feel better. I just got back form the gym and that always lifts my mood. Getting those "good feeling" brain chemicals flowing. It also make me feel better about myself for getting up when I just don't feel like it.

I have been drawing more recently and that is a good stress reliever for me also. We are planning on going to the SPCA tomorrow and work the cat room. We work on socializing the cats so they will be more adoptable. My BP has been better on the higher dosage of medicine. I really want to take a diet pill, but my primary care doctor won't do it without an OK for my psychiatric doctor. My weight has been going up and I am freaking out. I just have to do the best I can. That is really all anyone can do.

Unsable

2011-08-16T13:51:00.000-07:00

Therapy was rough today. My therapist thinks I am kind of unstable due to the lack of rest.She asked if I took sleeping pills and I told her no. She suggested I try some over the counter medicine to help me sleep. I saw my primary care physician yesterday and she was concerned about my blood pressure running so high. It was 170/100 but I'm really stressed right now. I admit I'm exhausted but there is just a lot going on right now. I would like to pull the covers over my head and not face the world, but that just doesn't work that well. I am trying to count my blessing and I do have a lot to be thankful for. Depression and exhaustion can make you forget, which I refuse to give in to these things!

Friends

2011-08-09T18:37:00.000-07:00

I am so blessed to have some good friends! A young man from my my church came by this evening with his son and did my lawn care. I had been paying to have it done, but they did it free and without any strings attached. Thank you J you are a gem.

For a while I was feeling all alone in the world, but a few wonderful people have stepped up and made me feel that I am a good person and that I have something to offer. I am so thankful for the kindness these people bring to my life. Words can be so empty, but when you put deeds in action that is the true Christ like spirit.

I have made many friends in the blogging world that offer up encouragement and support to me daily. I feel so very blessed that so many people have a true kind heart. My life has been hard, but when I see the goodness in others it bring hope and joy to my heart.

A Good Day Ended In ER

2011-08-08T08:33:00.000-07:00

Last night I had to take my daughter to ER. She started vomiting and couldn't keep anything down. They pumped her full of IV fluids and gave her pain medicine for her fall the day before. She had a bruised tail bone and was suffering from heat exhaustion. She is much better today.

I have been putting the finishing touch on the house today, because we have a showing at 2 pm.. The market is so depressed right now we haven't been showing the house that often, I am almost ready to pull it off the market for a while.

I'm tired today from being up so late in the ER, but other wise OK. Not much else happening right now,so I will check in later.

Sunday Sketches

2011-08-07T00:59:00.000-07:00

Bear Cub With Flowers
Taking Time To Smell The Flowers

Water Color

Today is mine and my daughter's birthday. No I am not telling how old I am.. lol. I got the best present form S. She gave me a bag full of art supplies. I used the drawing pencils and the water colors on the above work. My daughter and I are going to have Chinese for lunch and Turtle Cheese Cake for out Birthday,

My daughter is happy as a clam. This car dealer was doing this crazy super used car sale. People lined up 12-15 hours before the sale to camp out by the car they wanted. She was determined to get a good deal on a used car for her birthday and she did. I am so happy for her. I'm looking forward to the rest of the day.

Intense Therapy Today

2011-08-05T20:12:00.000-07:00

MAY BE TRIGGERING!

Therapy was particularly intense today. We talked about the time my father in law rapped me. My therapist was shocked and horrified by the story. We talked about a new way to try and stop the flashbacks.It something I had never done before "Stand up and yell leave me the **** alone. I'm safe" She also wants me to watch a "Leave It To Beaver" type show everyday. Showing what a loving family might look like. We talked about how the childhood sexual abuse "Set me up to be a victim" Below is a recommended article on flashbacks.

Flashbacks
By Laurieann Chutis, A.C.S.W.

What are they?
Flashbacks are memories of past traumas. They may take the form of pictures, sounds, smells, body sensations, feelings or the lack of them (numbness). Many times there is no actual visual or auditory memory. One may have the sense of panic, being trapped, feeling powerless with no memory stimulating it. These experiences can also happen in dreams.
As a child (or adolescent), we had to insulate ourselves from the emotional and physical horrors of the trauma. In order to survive, that insulated child remained isolated, unable to express the feelings and thoughts of that time. It is as though we put that part into a time capsule until it comes out full-blown in the present.
When that part comes out, the little one is experiencing the past as if it were happening today. As the flashback occurs, it is as if we forget that we have an adult part available to us for reassurance, protection and grounding. The intense feelings and body sensations occurring are so frightening because the feelings/sensations are not related to the reality of the present and many times seem to come from nowhere.
We begin to think we are crazy and afraid of telling anyone (including our therapist) of these experiences. We feel out of control and at the mercy of our experiences.
We begin to avoid situations, and stimuli, that we think triggered it. Many times flashbacks occur during any form of sexual intimacy, or it may be a person who has similar characteristics to the perpetrator, or it may b a situation today that stirs up similar trapped feelings (confronting aggressive people).
If you are feeling small...you are experiencing a flashback.
If you are experiencing stronger feelings than are called for in the present situation...you are experiencing a flashback.
Flashbacks are normal
Vietnam vets have normalized this experience and have coined the term post traumatic stress syndrome.
Even the diagnostic category book for psychiatry defines post traumatic stress syndrome as the normal experience of all people experiencing an event that is outside the range of normal human experience.
Flashbacks feel crazy because the little one doesn't know that there is an adult survivor available to help.
What helps

Tell yourself that you are having a flashback.
Remind yourself that the worst is over. The feelings and sensations you are experiencing are memories of the past. The actual event took place long ago when you were [younger] and you survived. Now it is time to let out that terror, rage, hurt and/or panic. Now is the time to honor your experience.
Get grounded. This means stamping your feet on the ground so that the little one knows you have feet and can get away if you need to. ([If the trauma occurred as a child]. . . you couldn't get away: Now you can.}
Breathe. When we get scared we stop normal breathing. As a result, our body begins to panic from the lack of oxygen. Lack of oxygen in itself causes a great deal of panic feelings: pounding in the head, tightness, sweating, feeling faint, shakiness, dizziness. When we breathe deeply enough, a lot of the panic feeling can decrease. Breathing deeply means putting your hand on your diaphragm and breathing deeply enough so that your diaphragm pushes against your hand and then exhaling so that the diaphragm goes in.
Reorient to the present. Begin to use your five senses in the present. Look around and see the colors in the room, the shapes of things, the people near, etc. Listen to the sounds [around you]: your breathing, traffic, birds, people, cars, etc. Feel your body and what is touching it: your clothes, your own arms and hands, the chair or floor supporting you.
Speak to the little one and reassure him/her. It is very healing to get your adult in the now, that you can get out if you need to, that it is OK to feel the feelings of long ago without reprisal. The child needs to know that it is safe to experience the feelings/sensations and let go of the past.
Get in touch with your needs for boundaries. Sometimes when we are having a flashback we lose the sense of where we leave off and the world begins; as if we do not have skin. Wrap yourself in a blanket, hold a pillow or stuffed animal, go to bed, sit in a closet... any way that you can feel yourself truly protected from the outside.
Get support. Depending on your situation, you may need to be alone or may want someone near you. In either case, it is important that your close ones know about flashbacks so they can help with the process, whether that means letting you be by yourself or being there.
Take time to recover. Sometimes flashbacks are very powerful. Give yourself the time to make the transition from this powerful experience. Don't expect yourself to jump into adult activities right away. Take a nap, or a warm bath, or some quiet time. Do not beat yourself up for having a flashback. Appreciate how much your little one went through. . . .
Honor your experience. Appreciate yourself for having survived that horrible time [when you were younger]. Respect your body's need to experience those feelings of long ago.
Be patient. It takes time to heal the past. It takes time to learn appropriate ways of taking care of self., of being an adult who has feelings, and developing effective ways of coping in the here and now.
Find a competent therapist. Look for a therapist who understands the processes of healing from [trauma: incest, rape, war.] A therapist can be a guide, a support, a coach in this healing process. You do not have to do it alone . . . ever again.
Join a self-help group. Survivors are wonderful allies in this process of healing. It is a healing thing to share your process with others who understand so deeply what you are going through.
Know you are not crazy . . . you are healing!

This Song Has Been On My Mind.

2011-08-04T12:47:00.000-07:00

"You bleed just to know your alive" " And I don't want the world to see me 'cause I don't think they would understand.. When everything made to be broken. I just want you to know who I am." Some deep pain that I can relate to so much.

Send Some Cooling Rain

2011-08-02T07:47:00.000-07:00

Can only wish!

Record heat wave! It's going to be 112 today and 115 tomorrow. It's too hot to leave the house. I am so thankful for my air conditioner.

We need rain so badly, It has been weeks since we have had a drop of rain. No I don't live in the desert, just Oklahoma! We are trying to think of ways to stay cool.

We had two very large grass fires that burned down 5 homes. It is getting very dangerous in Oklahoma,

Sunday Sketches

2011-07-31T06:02:00.000-07:00

Lady In A Hat\

I really need to pick up some more art supplies this month. I am doing all my drawings with crayons and color pencils.

Explaination

2011-07-28T14:38:00.000-07:00

Dr M explained to me today that what I was feeling was largely do to coming down from an extreme mania. My body and my mind need time to "recover". Extra sleep was not a bad thing, He said that my bipolar disorder was on the more extreme end and would require medication for the rest of my life. That it doesn't improve with age and that left untreated would become worst. I had the idea that it would improve by it self with age. He ask me where I got that idea from. He wanted to make sure I keep on the higher dose of Abilify He said lowering the dose could cause me to rebound into mania or depression. So I guess I will try to chill out and keep working the program. He continued the same dosage of mood stabilizers and antidepressant today and want to see me in two weeks. I see my therapist tomorrow. I guess I share my "dark" feelings for her. I guess this is my "normal". I was hoping for better. Will see you all later and will try to make Lemon-aid out of my life.

Depression Is Crushing Me

2011-07-27T10:01:00.000-07:00

I'm doing everything I'm suppose to do to lift this depression.

Following my meal plan
Getting sunshine
Taking my medication
Exercising
Self talk

I can't seem to get a hold on this. My mind is filled with thoughts of how to kill myself. So many people seem to be able to beat this. Why can't I? I am so tired of this illness. I see my psychiatric tomorrow. I can't tell him how dark my thoughts are. He would admit me again. I just so tired of how draining this illness is. I believe I am treatment resistant bipolar.

Eighteen Months Ago

2011-07-26T16:02:00.000-07:00

Eighteen months ago tomorrow at 5 AM I lost my beloved son Chris. The pain is still so deep and I miss him!
This is a tribute to a wonderful gift from God that I only had 27 short years to spend with him. Here is some of what I miss the most about him.

I miss his beautiful smile
His laugh
Him saying I love you little Mama
Him watching for the UPS truck to bring his latest soft wear to test for Nivida
Him working on the computer and showing me things that I had now idea what he was talking about
His love for his cat and how they where always together.
Him thanking me for be his mother
His pride in all he did
His love for computer gaming and the excitement he showed for making the next level.
His kind and tender heart for those that hurt.

These are just a few things I miss. Call me crazy, but I bet he is helping God with the computer system in heaven. I love you baby and will join you someday. Love you always. Little Mama

Saw it Loved It

2011-07-24T08:01:00.000-07:00

I saw this picture and had to see if I could draw it.

Mood Is Bottoming Out

2011-07-20T19:27:00.000-07:00

I'm really having a rough time. I cried for several hours today. Mostly missing Chris, but over all my mood has been bottoming out. I was hoping the exercise program would keep the brain chemical high enough that I would not crash after my last mania. I will be glad to see both my therapist and psychiatrist soon. I hate this roller coaster ride. I am hot and tired so I'm going to try to get some sleep. I not giving up on my resolutions to be thankful and take care of myself, it just so much harder when you are fighting depression.

It's Just Too Hot

2011-07-19T15:56:00.000-07:00

I believe this is the 12th day in a row of over 100 degrees and it's supposed to be even hotter tomorrow! Food actually make you sick to eat because it is so hot. The air conditioner never shuts off and I have it set at 82 degrees to save on electricity. I had to cut my work out short today because the water cooler at the gym was broken. It's just to dog gone hot!

Not In A Good Place

2011-07-15T20:17:00.000-07:00

I'm not in a very good space right now. I am still not sleeping enough, however I am becoming very cranky.I not sure if the heat of over 100 degrees for several weeks is part of the problem or not, I am also obsessing with exercise right now. I'm going to the gym 2-3 times per day. Grant it my endurance only allows me to work out 45 minutes to 1 hour at a time.

I hate when I'm this grumpy. I want to see some progress for all the work I'm doing. I don't understand why I can not do stuff in moderation. Everything I do, I do it to the excess. Maybe I will try listening to some music or something to cool my jets. I know my train of thought is all over the place.

Again I am so thankful that I am not in the hospital, but my psychiatrist is not please with my mood and behavior. I am beginning to think I am in a mixed episode right now, because I do feel some depression again

On another note is anyone else concerned about what the government is doing? If SS checks are delayed or cut by a large amount my family will be hit hard, as will many other elderly and disabled persons. The government needs to stop playing games and work on an agreement.

Guess Who

2011-07-14T12:25:00.000-07:00

I found this old picture and thought I would share.
I was so happy before the abuse started.

Sleep What Is That?

2011-07-14T02:41:00.000-07:00

Well I slept a little last night, but I'm beginning to wonder what sleep is. I am drying my work out clothes to go to the gym. It least I'm not spending money. I got a niffy award yesterday. Thanks Jesse! Love you all.

Hospital or Not?

2011-07-13T03:49:00.000-07:00

My therapist is talking with my doctor to see if they think I need to be admitted. I am doing my best to cool my jets, but I have been manic for awhile right now. I told then I was safe and because my daughter is living with me they cut me a little slack. I know I need to sleep and not spend any money but it is so hard! I DO NOT WANT TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL!!!!. I also got into trouble about my eating patterns. I am really trying. I work out to burn off the energy form the mania. I guess I'm not even doing THAT right. Gee wheeze what am suppose to do? Frustrated but not giving up.

It's 4 Am And I'm Wide Awake

2011-07-12T02:43:00.000-07:00

Well it 4 Am and I am not sleeping, I am wide wake and have been since about 2 Am. I have just finished 36 minutes of chair aerobic exercise. I see my orthopedic doctor Wednesday and maybe he will release me to do more on my foot. I want to do this work out at least two more times today.

I see my therapist today and think Ill go over my meal plans for the last week. I think the scale should be dropping but it's not. This is very frustrating to me. I also need to talk to her about my lack of sleep. With my allergies acting up and being a little manic I look terrible. I have big dark circles and bags under my eyes.

Had a girls day out with my daughter yesterday and we where like a couple of kids. I had my hair done and she had her eyebrows waxed. We had lunch but I was so worried about what I eating that I couldn't really enjoy that part. She had chocolate cake for desert and I munched on some fresh fruit. My heart wasn't into it but I followed my meal plan. We then went shopping and picked up a few things. It was a long day and I think I wore my daughter out!

Showed the house today and the lady was taking pictures. That made me a little nervous, but she seemed really interested. I really not sure what we will do right now if she would make an acceptable bid on the house. I am even thinking about taking it off the market until I know what is going to happen with Alice

My thankful list for the day:

Jesus loves me
Alice
My therapist
My friends
Blogging friends

How Many Days?

2011-07-10T18:11:00.000-07:00

How many days doing something does it take to make it a habit? I was thinking I heard only 14 days. Or was it 31 days? Anyway I have started my fitness journal. I have started exercising and a food journal. I am hoping this will give me an honest look at where I am and improve my health. I am already seeing a mood improvement, I fear it might become an obsession, but at least it is a healthy one.

I am also going to repeat everyday my affirmation that my therapist gave me to say. "I am competent, capable and lovable." I know I am fighting a battle with myself, but I must improve myself talk to improve my health. Right now I need extra support of my friends and family and therapist to do this, but I am worth the effort, I have hit a place in my life where I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. I believe with God's help and the help of my friends, family and therapist I can become less depressed.

I realize I have an illness, but I can not let it control my entire life. I think I may have hit my rock bottom and the only way is up. I am not saying that this will be easy, but I chose to take an active part on my healing. Does this mean I will never slip? I don't think so! My abuse and illness can not control my life.

From today on I will

Take my medicine as prescribed
I will exercise 5 days a week
I will record and follow my meal plan
I will say my affirmation daily
I will keep my therapy appointments
I will say something I am thankful for daily

Today I am thankful for my daughter, my friends, my family,blogging, and that Jesus loves me.

Sunday Sketches

2011-07-09T17:35:00.000-07:00

Just want to tell everyone to love one another!

Young New Gospel Group

2011-07-08T22:45:00.000-07:00

Red Roots

We went and saw this group in concert and they were awesome. They have an upbeat sound. The are triplets and are only twenty years old, They did several beautiful songs. I really like a song called "When God Says No'' I wish I had a video clip of this song. We did buy the CD with the song on it. This song helped me answer the question " Why didn't God answer my prayer when I was holding Chris' hand as he was dying." As a mother I may never fully understand why God needed him more than I did. God's love is sometimes beyond human understanding. A dear friend , pastor R, once told me God answers all prayer either yes, no, or later. I believe I will someday see Chris in heaven. Maybe he is helping God with his computer system.

This is a sample of one of the other songs they sang.

They took a picture with Alice that she is posting on her blog. I highly recommend this group. Great girls

Haven't Been Able To Workout

2011-07-07T15:20:00.000-07:00

Since I broke my foot I haven't been able to work out. I found some cool chair aerobic on you tube. I started these last night to help my mood. I also saw the doctor today and he up my mood stabilizer. I see my therapist tomorrow and I have been thinking about the "good" things in my life. I am not going to fall to this disease!

I Think It's Time To Call The Doctor

2011-07-06T06:35:00.000-07:00

I have really been fighting my mood swings. I was hoping things would settle down. It has just gone on too long. There have been days I could not even get out of bed follow by the uncontrollable urge to spend money and binge eat. It has been going on about two weeks now and I haven't been able to afford seeing my therapist or psychiatric. As soon as the office opens I am going to make the call. I think my medicine may need to be tweaked just a little bit. Just holding on doesn't seem to be working!

Well the doctor returned my call and wants to see me tomorrow.

Some times I wonder if I would had been "normal" if I had not been sexually abused. Would I still have the wide mood swings? Have I been misdiagnosis? I wonder what would be different today. I will be forever grateful that I found a wonder friend and pastor that still cares about me today. I not sure I would have been as tolerate of others if I had not suffered so. I guess good can from bad if we let it.

Since Chris' death I have really struggled with why God did NOT answer my prayers to heal him. Do I still believe in God? Yes. I just have a very hard time asking God for anything. I know this is wrong, but I figure I can't be disappointed if I just don't ask. I have found that I am very much like that in so many ways. I believe I have lost hope for a better tomorrow.

I keep working on bettering myself and helping others. That is one thing I can do. I can love others and help the misunderstood. That I can do and will continue to do,

In Loving Memory Caylee Anthony

2011-07-05T11:48:00.000-07:00

Happy 4th Of July

2011-07-02T00:27:00.000-07:00

Have a safe and happy 4th of July Weekend.

To all my friends in cyber land. Thank you for your support and kindness! Much love!

Really Fighting Depression Right Now

2011-06-29T09:04:00.000-07:00

I am really fighting depression right now. I don't know why it is so bad right now but it is. It could be the fact that I am so stranded since neither Alice or myself can drive right now. It might be the heat or the fact that I can not afford to see my therapist. I am doing everything possible to not let this get me down so low that I can not pull myself up. I am reading a good book on depression but it is so hard to consecrate on what I am reading, Will touch base with everyone later.

Monday Monday

2011-06-27T09:04:00.000-07:00

It's Monday & 102 In the shade. Keep cool!

Wow Two Of Us Wounded

2011-06-25T07:01:00.000-07:00

Last night Alice was in a near car auto accident. Good news is she did not hit the car. Bad news she injured her knee and can not walk or drive right now. That leaves us both unable to drive! This too shall pass.

This And That

2011-06-17T05:39:00.000-07:00

Saw my orthopedic doctor yesterday and he said the bones in my foot where healing very slowly. I see him again in two weeks and if it continues to heal I won;t need surgery. I an to take it easy until I see him, but I no longer have to be on bed rest.

Princess is feeling better and has done a good job taking her medicine, She doesn't seem to mind the special diet food she has to be on.

I started reading Dr Deb's new book and it is very good. I would recommend it to anyone that battles depression.

My friend Y won a 2 day trip and I am going with her for a few days. I hope I won't be a total drag with my foot in this will have to take it easy,but you just can't pass up a free get away.

Alice and I are doing well and she has been a life savior with my broken foot, I think she is glad to be back in Tulsa.

Sick Pussy Cat

2011-06-09T12:47:00.000-07:00

I just got Princess back from the vet today. She had a severe infection and now needs a special diet due to her age. She goes back to the vet in 10 days and is on antibiotics until then. Alice will be giving her the medicine because she can control her better than I can. At least she is going to be OK.

Bed-rest

2011-06-07T18:56:00.000-07:00

I am supposed to be on bed-rest until the 15th to give the bones in my foot time time to heal. I will have to wear the boot for two months because of the type of break it was. I am having a hard time staying down. I am such an active person. Alice and I have been having a good time together. Her leg seems to be getting a bit stronger. Holding my leg down really hurts. (Even in this hot old boot!)

I am really fighting the depression from lack of activity.I am so afraid I'm am going to gain weight. I know I obsess too much over this. Old habits are hard to break. I have some time for reading which is good.

I have been looking at some of my daughter's catalogs. I would really like to get our nails done if we can afford it this month. I just think that most of the time they are over priced.

I just found out that I loss some shingles in the last storm. I am having a roof man come later this week. It always something, but I could always be a lot worst.

I am so thankful for all the good things we have.

Not Feeling Well

2011-06-06T14:44:00.000-07:00

I haven't been feeling well so it's been awhile since I blogged. Just wanted to let everybody know I'm OK and will try to get back in the swing of things soon.

Oklahoma Hit Again

2011-05-25T06:02:00.000-07:00

Oklahoma was hit again with tornadoes last night. Eight are dead and there is a missing 3 year old. This family needs our prayers because they lost a 15 month old in the storms.

Alice and I went to the storm shelter when the alarm was sounded. I was very worried about Alice because she was on crutches. She made it fine, in facts she ended up driving me to the hospital. In the storm shelter she was having a panic attack, so I was standing up to give her room to get to some fresh air. When I stood up my blood pressure apparently drop out because I passed out an fell flat on my face. I am just so thankful I did not fall on the five small children that were in front of me sitting on the floor. I ended up with a broken foot and now can not bear any weight on it until I see the orthopedic doctor in 3 to 5 days. They said it was a clean break and should heal up OK. Like I say I am just thankful it wasn't anything serious.

We do need to pray for all the families that lost so much.

We Made It

2011-05-22T18:13:00.000-07:00

Alice and I are back home safely. Still have to unpack the van in the morning, Going to try and get some rest now.

Getting Ready To Hit The Road

2011-05-18T11:01:00.000-07:00

S and I are getting ready to make the finale arrangements to hit the road. It's suppose to rain tomorrow as we head out. Alice is going to be busy tomorrow closing accounts and finale packing tomorrow. I think she is happy about the move.

I never been on a road trip that is this long before so I am kind of anxious. It's about a 19 hour drive one way and we are going to drive it in two days so we won't be driving at night.That's a long way to be in a crowded vehicle, but I sure everything will go OK.

I'll be off line until Monday or Tuesday. My house is suppose to show again in a little bit. The housing market is so depressed right now and loans are hard to get especially for a used mobile home. Of course if it sold tomorrow and not sure what I would do at this point. So maybe things will work out in the right time frame. It's about time for the showing so I guess I'll close for now. It early but I hope everyone has a nice weekend.

Two Days

2011-05-17T05:57:00.000-07:00

Well it two days until we head out to get Alice. I'm excited and nervous. It's a very long trip. Road trip!!! Oh my.

I am on the manic side, still not sleeping, but don't feel a need for sleep. I am hoping all goes well. Alice has her last appointment with her therapist today and her last appointment with her PCP Thursday. I'm going to try and get some CD to take on the trip. We will have a GPS so hopefully we won't get lost. Wish us luck and safe travel.

I Hate You Scale!

2011-05-14T09:08:00.000-07:00

I have been trying to follow my meal plan and exercise everyday. I followed my therapist advise and stopped weighing everyday and it has come back to bite me in the butt. The number has gone up and my clothes are too tight. I'm going to have to cut way back on what I'm eating. I haven't been eating out so that is NOT the problem. I just can not seem to win. Today I'm going to half everything and double the exercise. I just can not gain weight and got to drop the stupid pounds I put on.

Would someone be willing to share a meal plan that works?

I Want My Blog To Be

2011-05-13T14:57:00.000-07:00

I want my blog to be a place of

Healing
Love
Caring
Sharing
Hope
Dreams
Honesty
Warmth
Information
Inspiration
Comfort
Safety
Welcome thoughts
Diversity
Freedom

May Be A Bit Manic

2011-05-11T10:31:00.000-07:00

I may be a bit manic. I'm not sleeping and wanting to spend money. I also want to be anywhere except at home. I am in a good mood. I don't know if the exercise is causing me to feel better or what. Yesterday went fairly well. I did pretty good with my meal plan and did everything else on my list.

Today I have to go see the GI specialist. I have been having some stomach and bowel problems. I sure he is going to want to do a scope. Ugh!

Since I was up most of the night I have already got a lot done. I am really going to have to watch my spending when I in this kind of mood. Alice has really bad allergies right now. I hope that that is all it is and not an infection. It so humid right now that I am just burning up.

Y and I are planing a little trip the second weekend of June, Today S and I will decide what day we are going to pick up Alice. That is going to be a long trip! Going to be busy the next few weeks, but I am ready for it.

New Day

2011-05-10T09:36:00.000-07:00

Today is a new day. What am I going to make of it?

I'm going to follow my meal plan today. I can do anything for 24 hours
I'm going to talk with my daughter and friends
I'm am going to be honest to my heavenly Father. Talk and let Him know how I feel.
I'm going to exercise.
I'm going to log in my "thankful journal"

Take life one day at a time and live it to it fullest

Wonderful Daughter

2011-05-09T10:37:00.000-07:00

I am so lucky to have Alice as my daughter.

Click to enlarge picture.

Walls

2011-05-09T08:23:00.000-07:00

I find safety in the walls I have built to protect myself. The problem is the walls keep me from experiencing life. I shut myself away to keep from being harmed, but it limits myself to feeling love. Real love is something that always seems right outside my reach. I desperately need it , but am afraid that I will be hurt. Some people in my life looked beyond my walls of protection and reached inside to love me. The only unconditional love I believe I have felt was for my children. I have some wonderful friends that except me with all my flaws. yet I fully don't trust that I will not be hurt. Abuse has caused me to build these walls. Only love can tear them down so I won't be afraid to feel again.

Sunday Sketches

2011-05-07T17:22:00.000-07:00

Victorian Lady

This one did not copy well.

Wishing Everybody A Happy Mother's Day!

Having Trouble Today

2011-05-07T10:12:00.000-07:00

I am having emotional trouble today. I can not stop thinking of Chris. I tried reading some blogs and they are about Mother's Day. This has always been a difficult day for me, but now that I have lost my youngest child it is almost unbearable. My thoughts are dark and scary. I might email my therapist because I don't really trust myself.

I celebrate Alice and my love for her. It is what is keeping me going, She says a card is in the mail and that will mean the world to me. Why does this have to be so hard? Holding on for dear life.

Unexpected Love

2011-05-06T11:15:00.000-07:00

I received an unexpected gift today for a young lady from the church. It was angel touching a little boy's head. She said it was angles watching over Chris. Yes I cried. I set the angle by karate pictures of Chris' and I .

Being a mother is God's greatest gift. My most precious memories are of my children. I love you Alice and Chris.

Few Good Things.

2011-05-05T18:49:00.000-07:00

Today I am thankful that a few good things happened today.

I got to spend the afternoon with my good friend Y

I found out I can get 4 of my prescriptions for free by using the mail order company through my insurance company.

The house showed today.

My nerves are still shot, but I want to remember to be thankful for the good things each day. I am still very concerned about Alice. I cried like a baby when the couple that looked at the house ask if my son had gone off to college. I told them that I had lost him very unexpectedly to an illness. I spent the next hour crying and looking at his pictures after they had left.