Thursday, July 31, 2008
Well I'm feeling better now. I don't know if it was because I was trying to stretch my mood stabilizers until I got paid or what caused this depression to be so bad. Anyway I'm back on the correct dosage of medicine and am feeling much better. I do want to thank all the kind words of encouragement and prayers. I don't think I'll be trying something that stupid again in the near future. It is not unusual for me to have a period of depression after a manic episode, but this one was way out of control. Today is the first day without tears. Yeah! I did decide not to go to a church member funeral today,because I thought it might be pushing myself too much. I did not know her real well so I thought it would be better to take care of myself. I also got a call from my doctor saying some of my lab work was really off, which could have also have made the depression worst. Stacy was wanting us to come up with something funny or happy, since I can't think of anything funny,so here is my happy news. I lost 69 lbs:)
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Monday, July 28, 2008
Earlier this evening as I set holding a bottle of pills in my hand and my phone range. I didn't pick it up then my cell rang which interrupted what I was thinking of doing. It was a friend, she knew I was depressed, but I don't think she knew how depressed I was. I had been crying and thinking I just could not take it any longer. After talking to her I realized that I could not let him win. I am just so tired of feeling so sad. I'm tired of the flashbacks and the body memories. I'm hoping the therapist I see on August 7,2008 will help. I feel if I can not get some of this out I'm going to die. I am trying some of the tips from Dr Deb post on flashbacks. Trying to keep grounded is the hardest. My son doesn't understand this at all, which makes me feel bad. I'm so depressed I don't feel like doing anything.
Sunday, July 27, 2008
When Daddy came home, I pulled my blanket to my chin. I shut my eyes tight to look like I am asleep.But then he would close the door behind him. The touch he brought was oh so rough and
caused great pain. I tried to make it all go away. I begged Daddy please stop, it hurts I cried. He would keep going until he was satisfied Not hearing my cries or seeing my pain. He only cared his needs were met. Not that my life will now forever be changed. " the littles"
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Being manic can sure get you in trouble, but can also be fun if you don't go broke. I have a friend that is very bad for me when I manic, because she has money and I don't. Any way we took off on a 8 hour drive to Grace Land to see where the King had lived. We walked, talked, ate, and did every thing but sleep. No she is not bi-polar, but I kept her awake. The next day we go to the strip and gamble. Big mistake. Should not be there when you are manic. My feet are not even close to touching the earth. Drinks were free,but I only had one,but I was acting totally silly.My mouth was running a 100 miles per hour, so again we had little sleep. Beside that we got lost finding the motel . Day 3 was a repeat of day 2, I am still wired and can not sleep. We have a 8 hour drive the next day. We got home safely. I don't think she wants to take me any where else when I'm manic ever again. She slept 12 the next day and has had to take a nap ever day since the trip. I am finally not manic and I am hoping I don't have a major depression coming around the corner. Yes I did spend too much money.
Monday, July 21, 2008
Broken No More
I was just a little girl of four,
When my daddy started coming to my door.
He said his touch was a special treat,
For his girl innocent and sweet.
I learned to cry myself to sleep.
The pain I felt was far to deep.
The room felt oh so dark and cold.
Oh the damage to my soul.
I learned the rules and played the game.
My life would never be the same.
The hate I felt, I turned within.
This was all because of his sin.
The walls I built turned my heart to stone.
No one could see I was all alone.
I never learned to laugh and play.
I only learned to run away.
Jesus looked down and saw my pain.
He wants to rid me of my shame.
He saw the beauty hidden within.
Jesus is putting me back together again.
Today I was working on a painting for my bedroom. Just some pretty flowers that match my Victorian room and I started thinking about my heart real desire to some how get the message out to prevent child abuse. I'm thinking about trying to put this poem on canvas. The horror the molested and abused child feels. Words can not real show the fear the child feels. Only an abused child's eyes can see this horror. I'm not sure I am strong enough to do this,but I have a real strong feeling about it. I feel I really must let this child speak on canvas.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
I haven't been feeling well so I haven't written in a while. I had a flare up of the lupus symptoms and have been in a lot of pain. I doing better now. I pick up a few more art supplies for my next project. As soon as I can use my hands again I'll start on my next piece. My mood has been more stable, but when I said that this morning my son had a big belly laugh. He said he never seen anyone change as quickly from one mood to the next as I do. WELL!!!! I guess he told me! Hopefully I feel better next week and can do more.
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Wednesday, July 09, 2008
After a long period of rough times one of the best feelings is to have a series of unexpected acts of kindness to happen all in the same day. To get a hug from a friend, to receive a phone call telling you that you are not alone, to receive a unexpected gift, an e-mail from a friend you hadn't heard from in along time, and last but not least encouragement from your blogging friends. This was a day I needed. I cried,laughed,and went to sleep in peace.
Monday, July 07, 2008
My 1/2 sister is coming on the 22nd and I am having emotion from one end of the spectrum to the other. I'm very busy doing all the things you do when you have out of town guest coming. Deep cleaning the house and trying to plan so every thing will be perfect. But on the other hand I'm having apprehensive thoughts about the past. When I was very young I started having 'black outs" with "lost periods of time". At 18 I had a complete break down, was put in the hospital, wiped out my past, and then left home. I soon married believing I was a virgin and we tried for several years to get pregnant. I was told my internal organ were messed up and I might never have children,but I got pregnant. After the birth of my child I start having frequent "blackouts" and "waking nightmares". I was placed in a mental hospital and diagnosed with PTSD with dissociation. I called my sister who could not believe I did not remember the repeated rapes by my step dad. So you see I am worried about stirring up the memories. My step dad was cruel as well as sexually abusive. All of my family suffer today from his abuse from years gone by in one way or another.
Thursday, July 03, 2008
I saw my doctor today and she insisted that I see a therapist that specializes in PTSD who also has a background with Eating Disorders. I can't get in to see her until August 7th, but I think this might really help.(I'm on her cancellation list for a sooner appointment) I have to see the doctor again in two week. She has added Xanax routinely every day and a BP medicine at night,which is to help with the nightmares. My doctor also told me to call her if I needed to be seen sooner and she would work me in. All in all I feel I have a safety net now,
Tuesday, July 01, 2008
Dark memories still fill my mind each day,
Like the fog in the damp and the cold.
They take me to dark places,
How can memories be so bold?
I try to fight these memories of old,
By puling my blanket over my head.
I know when they take me,
I will tremble in fear and dread.
How these memories from so long ago,
Still trouble me so deeply, even my soul?
Only a child then, these memories still have a hold.
To take me to dark places no one should go.
I try to rewrite new memories each day.
I look for new joy in all the good thing that I see.
But at night in the darkness, these memories try to stay.
Someday these dark memories,will have no hold over me. Wanda Arthington